Saturday, July 9, 2011

C is for Colgate... Among Other Things

It has been a while since I’ve submitted an anecdotal blog post. This might be because nothing of significance has occurred worth blogging about save the current pregnant status of my wife. However, today, I did something aligned with the ignorant theme of my blog I’d like to share.
My wife and I have been house sitting for my in-laws for the last week or so. We have been taking advantage of their swimming pool regularly as a way to beat the 116° Arizona heat. This morning we took a quick swim before Ashley went to work. It was very refreshing and cooled us off amply for the daily tasks ahead of us.  We finished our swim and returned to the master bathroom to get ready for the day. As we entered the bathroom I asked Ashley if I could use her toothbrush because mine was in the guest bathroom where we’ve been sleeping, she generously consented. I couldn’t find the toothpaste so I asked her where it was.
“It’s in the top drawer,” she said, “It’s a small tube.” Then she stepped out to water some flowers.
I looked in the drawer and promptly found the travel size Colgate toothpaste. I applied the standard pea sized dollop to the bristles and began the cleansing of my teeth. Within a few seconds I wondered why the paste wasn’t very minty. A thought flashed through my mind within a split second: Was it an alternative “healthy” “non toxic” toothpaste, the kind that doesn’t usually taste very good? But as I became more cognizant of the taste I realized something was very wrong. I took a closer look at the tube of Colgate toothpaste and discovered it was actually a tube of Cortizone cream.
I immediately realized my ignorant mistake and turned on the sink and began to rinse my mouth. It was too greasy. It wasn’t rinsing out of my mouth very well. Ashley returned from watering the flowers and saw me struggling to rinse my Cortizone infiltrated mouth. She asked if I was ok and according to her I said, “It doesn’t taste good! I don’t know what to do! Help me!” I don’t remember saying that due to the trauma I was experiencing. Hearing this and realizing I had inadvertently brushed my teeth with Cortizone she immediately started laughing at/with me. I requested a new toothbrush and some real toothpaste and expressed the need for haste. Unbeknownst to me, since I had my head in a sink, Ashley had to run to the toilet to relieve her bladder; the combination of uncontrollable laughter and the weight of the baby made a trip to the restroom a more pressing need than my fight with the greasy substance coating my mouth.
She finally returned with the new toothbrush and authentic minty Crest toothpaste, her face streaming with tears from the intense laughter. Obviously I doused the brush with the tasty paste and scrubbed my mouth with great vigor. Ashley was still laughing. And the laughing continued for some time. And recurs whenever the incident is discussed. I imagine we will laugh about this incident for years.
Take a moment to see for yourself how similar a tube of Colgate and Cortizone appear to be.  Also, I wasn’t wearing my glasses. Lesson learned.  

Thursday, April 14, 2011

It is a boy.

You can clearly see male genitals in the photo. Most of you voted wrong. Congratulations to the 8 of you who guessed right. Too bad we don't know who you are. (Soon to come is a baby name poll).

Saturday, March 19, 2011

What is the child going to be? A boy or a girl?

Most of you probably know that Ashley is pregnant. We are very excited about it. She is currently 14 1/2 weeks along and anxiously awaiting the ultrasound that will reveal the gender of the child. Many people we talk to tend to voice their opinions about the gender. We want to know what you think. Please vote in our poll to the right. It is simple. Boy or girl. Thanks.

The revealing ultrasound will take place in about 3 1/2 weeks. We will post the results soon thereafter.

Below is a picture of an ultrasound that was taken at 10 weeks. Use it to feel the vibes to help predict the gender of the baby.

I would tell you what I think it is but I don't want to sway the voting.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Setting the Record Straight

I once gave "Unk" (Jeff Arnett) my password to Facebook. Since I use similar variations of that password on most of my social networking sites, including blogspot, Unk was able to log into my account and write the previous post. I was aware of it when he did it. In fact, I added all the images. He may have bent the truth a little bit in an attempt to entice comments from those of you on the other side of the internet. His ego was inflated heavily when Wendy made her comment regarding my "Arnett knack for words." I quickly pointed out to Unk that she prefaced the comment saying "I have thoroughly enjoyed all of your posts."

So, to straighten the record, my greatest passion and number one priority in my life is indeed my beautiful wife. I have recently gone fishing with Unk but only lost a couple of his lures and never damaged any of his fishing poles. I caught several bass and never walked into a jumping cactus like Unk did in an attempt to out fish me. I have purchased a ticket to the Phoenix Suns Game 6 against the Lakers and I do enjoy basketball especially during the playoffs. I don't exactly live and breathe the Suns or sports. I would like to point out to a certain brother-in-law that the Suns wore their "Los Suns" jerseys on Cinco de Mayo, I love all people of the earth and it is impolite to put down one's home NBA team. I don't criticize the professional sports teams of Idaho, or lack thereof. Are there any professional sports teams in Idaho? Ugh, I'm too lazy to search the internet to find out, but I assume there isn't. Finally, I do want to learn to play golf. Swinging a stick at a tiny ball and walking or riding leisurely to its landing spot to hit it again and eventually deposit it into a hole is all the sports action I care for. However, I have yet to receive my first lesson from Unk. Oh, and I also went to Disneyland with my family last week and had a blast as you will see in the photo to the right.

I am a real man's man!!!!!

Life has come full circle for me. In my third decade of life I have discovered some new things I really enjoy. Of course, my number one passion is my lovely wife, Ashley. She is, and always will be, the true love of my life. Having said that, I have been "turned onto" some manly things thanks to Unk and Rusty at work.

First of all, I have become a bass fisherman. Unk has been taking me fishing and taught me the finer points of topwater, spinners and jerk baits. To date I've got just under 10 huge bass. I've only broken one rod and reel and lost 12 of Unk's baits. Not bad. Speaking of which the last time we went to Unk's secret fishing spot he was getting annoyed that I was "outcatching him" so he ventured out into the desert area of the pond. As a result and because he was wearing sandals he stepped on a jumping cactus that pierced both his feet. He had about a dozen cactus needles in his feet. He tried pulling them out, but couldn't without pliers. He also couldn't stand the pain so he had me come over and pull them out one at a time. Without me, he would still be maimed.

So, I also have purchased tickets for the Lakers and Los Suns for Saturday. I have become a huge Suns fan. I will be there in all my glory wearing orange with my face painted along with my buddy Rusty. I'm thinking of going to the airport to meet the Suns after tonight's game. I can't get enough of the's fantastic.

And now for the best of all. I want to learn to play golf. Unk has promised to take me to the driving range. I really think I can be good at golf, all I need is clubs (left-handed). I know I've never hit a golf ball, but that didn't stop grandpa Howard from thinking he could be a world class ice speed skater, even though he never skated in his life. Golf is my game.

Monday, May 24, 2010

"Customer service how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hey, how are you doing?"
Me: "I'm doing well how are you?"
Customer: "Oh its a Monday don't ask me that question."

Above is the beginning of a conversation I had this morning with a customer. If he didn't want me to ask him how he was doing because it was a Monday than he shouldn't have asked me how I was doing. It's a Monday for me too buddy! However, I truly am doing very well you ignoramus. I have a lovely wife and great life. Thanks for asking!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Bubble Time

I was pretty sure that snack time was going to be my favorite part of serving in the nursery. After all, we had fruit snacks loaded with high fructose corn syrup and delicious, cheesy goldfish crackers. However, Sister Ashcroft, the nursery leader, pleasantly surprised me after clean-up time with bubble time. "It’s bubble time everybody!" She exclaimed as she threw me the soapy bottle of bubbles. With out any further direction from her I quickly pulled out the bubble making apparatus and blew into the soapy film that covered the holes. Never in my life have I been more content. But then I got light headed so I passed the responsibility onto my wife who surpasses me in skill when it comes to bubble blowing due to the greater quantity of bubbles she was able to produce per bubble apparatus dipping.

Before this first nursery adventure I was of course sitting in sacrament meeting next to my wife when she leaned over and plucked a hair from my nose. I do not mean a hair from my nostrils but a wild hair that was actually growing on the outer part of my nose. After she had done this she smiled at me and I realized that I was getting older man hairs. This reminded me of an incident with my hair stylist during a hair cut shortly after my 30th birthday. I sat in the chair and told her what kind of hair cut I wanted and she proceeded to sculpt. At the end of the hair cut she pulled out the clippers to trim the borders of my neck hair. She made her way over to my right side burn and with perfect nonchalance turned the clippers on my ear lobe. I ignored the awkward act and she never acknowledged doing it either. But it was clear what had happened. She saw some older man hair on my right ear lobe and took it upon herself to shave it off. Never before has a hair stylist done this to me. What is worse is she didn’t even me out by shaving my left earlobe. In the end, my hair looked great and I left a decent monetary tip. But this leaves me with a question. Can I anticipate more awkward man hairs as I age? I must admit I possess ignorance and naïveté regarding this query.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


I drove past Quik Trip last night. All seemed very quiet but I just kept driving.

Side note: Ashley and I were summoned to the Bishop's office this afternoon. We have been called to serve in the nursery. Ashley is ecstatic. She loves kids and she has had this calling before and she enjoyed it very much. I was less enthusiastic but quickly embraced the calling as I came to know that we were called of God to tend to the toddlers of the Amberwood ward for two hours every Sunday.

Below is one of my favorite things in life. Cheese. Mark and Mallory had plenty of it at their wedding reception. They really know how to throw a party.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

A Can of Coke

My wife works until 11pm every night. Tonight I was home alone working on my Brief Calculus project. Throughout the evening I found myself craving the refreshing taste of a Coca Cola from the can. When Ashley got home I convinced her to come with me to the gas station to get said can of Coke. She agreed to come along.

As we were driving away from our rental home we realized we don't frequent any gas stations in the area. I remembered seeing a QT (Quik Trip) on the corner of Warner and Arizona Ave. in Chandler where we live. As we approached the convenience store we noticed a large crowd of people and many cars in the parking lot. As I pulled into the parking lot I noticed that the crowd was mostly African American with a few urban Latinos mixed in and some skanky white chicks here and there. We weren't quite sure what to make of it. These people appeared to be high school kids either on their way to, or coming from, a party that had most likely been broken up by the cops. There were four cop cars in the parking lot, so I parked the car as close to the entrance as possible and went into the store with my wife to obtain the coveted can of Coke. "What’s the worst that could happen?" I thought to myself. The cops were there and these were just high school kids, after all.

We bought our beverages and returned to our vehicle without incident. I heard raised voices from a group of African Americans that were standing around the empty parking space next to my car. I unlocked the car doors and we hurriedly got into the car. The moment I initiated the automatic locks, the raised voices erupted into a fist fight not more than 3 feet from where I sat in my car. I immediately started the car and backed out as fast as I could without hitting any of the people rushing to join the fight. As I looked over my shoulder I saw a cop quickly exit his vehicle and draw his night stick and run towards the raucous. I kept driving. By the time we pulled out of the parking lot ten cop cars had converged on the scene with lights flashing. Ashley and I had escaped unscathed. We were lucky. I learned a lesson in life worth starting a web log for.

I am ignorant and naïve.

I never should have turned into that parking lot. Having ascertained the situation before entering the store I should have driven away. I overestimated this crowd's sense of decency and rationality. Ashley heard what these young men were yelling about before the fight broke out. Apparently it was a territorial dispute, possibly gang related. What was I doing there?! Why did I bring my wife of four months there with me?! Anything could have happened. I guess I felt safe. I was not even a full mile from my seemingly safe neighborhood where I rent a two bedroom two bathroom house.

After we got home, Ashley and I discussed the recent events as I struggled to cope with the anxiety I felt. I grabbed the laptop and told my wife I was going to start a blog. This story needed to be told. I felt compelled to publish my ignorance and naïveté to the world wide audience of the interweb.

Click back again soon for more stories of ignorance and naïveté as they unfold.